Family Counseling and therapy for the Northshore and Chicagoland

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Family Counseling and Therapy

Family is the source of our strengths and goodness; it's our refuge in the world of turmoil and uncertainty. At the same time, nothing can create the kind of intense stress and conflicts like family does.

Our family becomes the source of our distress when the developmental needs of our loved ones have changed, while the family continues to operate as if nothing had changed, sticking to what fixed roles and rules had worked in the past.

Family Counseling for the North Shore and Chicagoland

An adolescent
lost in his own adventure & exploration
will really concern his parents

A case in point is when our children enter the "raging hormone" stage of adolescence while we are muddling in a state of emotional slump or exhaustion.

Combine a depressed or emotionally deprived parent and a defiant teen-ager, and you are brewing up a storm.

Many other factors can also lurk around the corner in family life, cumulating forces to create various problems. Usually a family cannot pinpoint what causes the problem or when it actually started. What they do know is that, once started, the problem seems out of their control.

The Many Faces of Family Distress

Family distress seen in the counseling office include but are not limited to the following:

A perfect storm
is gathering its force

Somatic illness
School problems
Acting-out
Self-mutilation
Legal issue involvement
Depression, anxiety or phobias
Parenting struggles
Communication problems
Addiction
Marital difficulties
Conflicts with in-laws
Infidelity
Divorce
Anger management failure
Domestic violence

The Control Strategy

A control strategy
often leads to frustration

When faced with major problems, it’s common that a family will try to apply a control strategy, such as

punishment
restraining
nagging
criticizing
yelling
complaining
withdrawing affection

Through the control strategies, the parents are trying to get the teen-agers to change…the husband is trying to get the wife to change… and the wife, perhaps the in-law to change…

Sometimes this control strategy works, especially if both parties are both reasonable. But many times it only leads to frustration.

Loneliness is the most frequent result in a family of frustration.

Conflicts are the Family’s Creative Ways of Forcing Change

Family often views conflicts as the culprit of their problems. But a therapist sees them for what they truly are, with a greater appreciation.

You see, our behaviors are the reflection of our relations with other family members. Therefore, it is important to focus on what is taking place "among" the family members, not on the intra-psychic characteristics of an particular individual family member.

Originally, a family structure
is adaptive and serves a function

The truth is that, each family, through its history over time, tends to have its own patterns of interaction, called “family structures.” A family structure is usually formed to serve certain function.

For example, a mother and a young child might be extremely close to accommodate for the emotionally or physically absent husband. This structure serves the family well.

But when the child enters the puberty developmental stage, his needs change from symbiosis to autonomy. The original structure of the family no longer works like a smooth machine any more.

A change of the family structure is gravely needed at this juncture, but many families are so used to and stuck in their interaction patterns that they either don't see the pattern or become the prisoners of the patterns.

Conflicts
are family's instinctive ways
to force change

Enter conflicts.

Conflicts are, indeed, creative ways that family members intuitively rely on to force a change in the malfunctioning family structure.

Hence, the jobs of the family therapist are two folds:

to discover and mobilize underutilized strengths of family members;
to help the whole family outgrow the limiting old structure that are blocking its members from developing into their best selves.

Family Conflicts are Intensely Emotional in Nature

Of course, the creative task of change is often painful because family conflicts are intensely emotional in nature.

From the perspective of attachment theory, family interactions are loaded with unspoken affects and emotions, be them positive or negative.

Family conflicts
often stirs up strong feelings

When conflicts erupt in the family, they usually stir up strong feelings related to "attachment needs", such as

commitment;
loyalty;
respect;
care.

When parents’ or children’s attachment needs are "injured", both could react to small offenses with out of proportion emotional intensity, called “attachment distress.”

This attachment distress can show up as:

Anger, protest, acting out, aggression, control, nagging;
depression, withdrawal;
despair, giving up, severing the relationship.

Attachment Distress in Vicious Cycle

When parents and their teenage children fight over an issue, such as curfews, at a deeper level, the attachment needs on both parties are injured, causing attachment distress. For example, the mother feels disrespected as a parent, and the child feels unloved as an individual of his own right for self-expression and self-determination, and the father feels powerless, withdrawing even more into his escape.

When this pattern of attachment distress repeats itself overtime, it leads to disconnection and alienation within the family. They become overwhelmed with deep feelings of being alone in family.

The destructive pattern creates a vicious cycle, reinforced by poor communication.

Poor communication is not really the cause of the problem, but it certainly has the power to inflame the existing problem.

As the dysfunctional pattern repeats itself over time, it is literally impossible to experience safety, warmth, and love within the family.

Most families in distress do not seek therapy. When they do, it is often during a time when one of the family members plays out the family distress through problematic behaviors. These behavior problems become the symptoms that the family presents in therapy.

Targeting the Real Problem

In family therapy, the therapist will try to assess and understand the family conflict in attachment terms and through structural analysis.

The therapist targets the destructive interaction pattern as the shared enemy of all family members. No one in the family is to blame.

When the real problem is identified,
the change comes naturally

Typically, sessions move

from an initial issue which is presented as related to a problematic behavior of a particular family member;
to the interaction patterns with in family relationships
then to deeper feelings of personal worth vs. worthlessness; pride vs. inadequacy; love vs. being unlovable.

Therapy Goal

Family therapy aims to understand the hidden function that the interpersonal conflicts try to achieve, then help the family achieve that very function through a conflict-free alternative solution.

A emotionally secure family
within which each individual
develops into their true self

The result is the rebuilding of an emotionally secure family with each of its member’s developmental needs being taken into consideration:

First, the treatment focuses on repairing and strengthening attachment in certain "subsystems", building their communication skills and healthy boundary.
Later, the treatment shifts to promoting autonomy of family members.

During the family session, the therapist actively uses techniques to divert it from negative family interaction while facilitating new adaptive interactions between family members in sessions. This leads to the most change in therapy.

Emotional connection, caring engagement and individual autonomy reach a healthy balance.

A new adaptive interaction
with healthy closeness and boundary
can be born

As a therapist, I believe that it is within a secure and safe relationship that both parents and children are able to fulfill themselves

emotionally;
physically;
socially;
culturally;
intellectually; and
spiritually.

This connectedness provides the context within which all family members can learn, love, survive, work, create, grow, and be true to the call of their own inner self.

Join me now to take on this path of happier life and more fulfilling relationships!

Tell your friends about inner-awakening-counseling.com! They too deserve this life transforming and enriching path.

Dr. Mei-whei Chen, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
737 N Michigan Ave, Ste 2130, Chicago, Illinois 60611
847-915-0331
Website: www.inner-awakening-counseling.com
Email: Mei@inner-awakening-counseling.com