- argument over bills - argument over debt - argument over spending - argument over lack of money or unemployment Unsuccessful Attempts to ConnectAlthough these stressors are legitimate problems that can create tension and conflicts in the relationship, they can also be opportunities for growth and learning together, and can even strengthen the relationship, if handled well and if the connection in between retains strong amidst the challenging stressors.No, couples don't fight purely because of stressful challenges in the lives. Beneath the fights are often the attempts to take back the sense of control and
the sense of connection which are buried, or even lost, amidst their battles with life's stressors. As a result, the couple may resort to escalated campaign to get what they long for. To their dismay, however, these drastic efforts only shatter their connection even further. At that point, couples inevitably feel disappointed, discouraged, lonely, empty, scared, hopeless, frustrated, or even raged. This is often the state of affair when they appear in my counseling office. Interaction Patterns that Kill the Effort of Re-ConnectionFailed attempts to de-stress the relationship can lead to feelings of anger, bitterness, and unhappiness; sometimes leading to separation and divorce.From my clinical observation, couples' attempts to bring back their connection failed miserably because the very behaviors that they rely on to get their needs met not only fail to do so but actually kill the precious loving-kindness left in their relationship. These killer interaction patterns may include:
Vicious Cycle of Unsuccessful Interaction PatternThe ways they interact in dealing with the stress and the lack of connection tend to fall into certain fixed recursive patterns, something like the following:
Sometimes the roles reverse or both hammer at each other competitively, to see who can get the last word and win the argument. This only results in deeper wounds for both in the end. Change Your Interaction Pattern and Enhance Your RelationshipWhen couples come to my office, I do the following to help them alter the course and get their love get on track:
1. Improving the Interaction PatternsI observe how the couples interact in the session and formulate hypotheses about what causal factors may be in play to lead to the way the couples interact.Then I may use experiential technique to engage the couple to help them alter the way that the relationship is understood, so that the couple can start to see each other. More techniques are used to help the couple improve their interactions. 2. Decreasing Emotional AvoidanceCouples who avoid expressing their private feelings put themselves at greater risk of becoming emotionally distant and hence grow apart.So I help my couples bring out the emotions and thoughts that they fear expressing to the other person. I use attachment-based couples therapy to guide the couples to feel safer in expressing their needs for closeness. According to this approach, some partners who failed to develop secure emotional attachments in childhood tend to fear showing their partners how much they need them because they are afraid that their partners will reject them. I help my couples express their true feelings in a way that will eventually draw them closer together.
3. Improving CommunicationBeing able to communicate is the key component of emotional intimacy and connection.Couples often need "coaching" to learn how to speak to each other in more supportive and understanding ways. I may provide my couples with feedback about the components in their expression, in my observation, that may cause more conflict and defensiveness. I then give them step-by-step instructions about the components of communication that are effective in expressing one’s true self and at the same time help the other hear it without getting defensive. 4. Focusing on StrengthsWhenever appropriate, I point out the strengths and the resilience in the relationship to help the couple derive more enjoyment out of their relationship.I may prescribe behaviorally-oriented homework or let the couple define what constitutes a strength for their relationship. There is Hope for Your Couples RelationshipCouples in troubled relationships need not give up in despair if their situation seems bleak. By the same token, people afraid of entering long-term relationships can be encouraged by learning the fact that trouble relationships can transform and grow.With couple counseling, you can build and maintain positive close relationships through the process of:
Tell your friends about inner-awakening-counseling.com! They too deserve this life transforming and enriching path. Dr. Mei-whei Chen, Licensed Clinical Psychologist 737 N Michigan Ave, Ste 2130, Chicago, Illinois 60611 847-915-0331 Website: www.inner-awakening-counseling Email: Mei@inner-awakening-counseling.com Copyright © 2014 by Dr. Mei-whei Chen |
