Bereavement Support

One of the most painful losses that all of us experience is the death of our loved ones.

The loss through death is so final, so permanent. Never again will our loved one be here with us any more. Never again will our loved one sit with us, laugh with us, enjoy meals with us, walk with us, talk with us, or look at us in a special way. That finality - that "never again" - makes the pain of grief so unimaginably intense.

It's not just feeling of sadness, but also of regret, guilt, anger, bitterness, emptiness, anxiety, etc that can engulf us in our pain. These feelings have their ups and downs; they could hit us in unpredictable way. In the morning, we may be calm, not even feeling much, by the afternoon, we may be enraged at the fates, and at the depth of the night, we may be wailing like a baby.

The up-down process could feel like one step forward, two steps back, as Stephanie Whitson (2005) states, "Just when we think we are making progress, grief has a way of rising up and slashing us right through the heart.” (p. 12).

Each Cycle is Not the Same

Counseling and Psychotherapy Services for the North Shore and Chicago

Each time when we
go through the
grieving cycle,
something in us
is changed.

We may feel as if we are stuck in the endless cycles of the emotions, but each time when we go through the cycle, something in us has changed.

Something in us feels stronger, more tolerant, and more accepting of the fate.

Slowly and surely, the cycling of emotional become less volatile, less frequent, and less intense. The cycling eventually gives in.

This "eventually" may take up to 18 months. And this "eventually" is a very stubborn character. No one can do anything to rush it.

The Hiding of Grief

When you are in grief, sometimes you feel a need to hide your pain. You smile when you are bleeding inside, just to be socially polite, just not to drag other people down.

Deep down, you wish people can see through your masks and recognize your miseries. But the performance that you put on might be so good that your social circle unfortunately comes to believe that you are fine, when you actually can hardly bear the pain.

Step Into Light

To heal your wounds of loss, you might want to step out of your hiding, and step into light, so that your needs can be met.

Each time we share
our stories,
our hearts are
restored a little more.

Following are things you can do to take care of yourself:

Tell family and friends that you need their emotional support. Even if you don't like to reach out, do it anyway.
Process emotions through grief support groups.
Seek out a grief counselor to resolve more complicated emotions.
Eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep.
Continue to engage in hobbies as well as creative and social outlets.
Accomplish a new goal in memory of the death of a loved one.

The Healing Power of Engaging Activities

Being involved in an engaging activity can give us a break from grief-occupied mind so that we has a resting period for restoration.

Engaging activities are tasks that actively engage your mind, your attention, and your physical energy. They are the opposite of passive activities, such as sitting around, staring into the space, or using substance to escape from your negative emotions.

Engaging activities
can give us a break
from our grief,
allowing us for brief restoration

Following are just a small sample of engaging activities include:

attending an event with a friend;
going fishing with a friend;
taking your dog for a walk;
biking in a quiet trail;
going to the library;
watching an inspiring movie;
cleaning the closet or the house

Of course, it is difficult for you to become engaged in activities because bereavement is often accompanied by a profound loss of interest in life.

So you need a strategy to break through your resistance.

This strategy is: start small

Just spend five minutes or so on a potentially engaging task, and telling yourself that you can stop after that. Most likely, you will continue with the task at hand once you get into it; and these activities will restore yourself.

Live for a Mission

As you are grieving, it is possible to, at the same time, transfer your energy to what matters the most in present life, given what has happened. This creates meaning for your loss and a sense of mission for your life.

What matters most in your present life may vary from one person to another, generally it involves carrying out some sorts of mission from your heart. Examples are:

Focus on what matters
in your present life.
You have important missions.

To stay healthy to raise your children;
To create meaningful rituals with your family that build stronger connection.
To take good physical health of yourself so that you can be there for your family.
To become an social activist to prevent what happened to your loved one from happening to others.
To get your degree because that is what your loved one wanted you to do.

Focusing on what matters in your present life will empower you, help you reclaim your lives, build better connection within the family, and bring a greater appreciation for what is important.

Help is Available

If you need help to go through your grieving as well as to restore your heart, call me or email me. I am ready to help you.

Dr. Mei-whei Chen, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
737 N Michigan Ave, Ste 2130, Chicago, Illinois 60611
847-915-0331
Website: www.inner-awakening-counseling.com
Email: Mei@inner-awakening-counseling.com